Book the first: The Sorrowful Start
by Numbuh 1001
Summary: This story is very miserable, and I suggest you avoid reading it. It is not about the lives of the Bauderlaires, rather the lives of another bunch of orphans with a fortune called the Allemaires who are practically the same as the Baudelaires but their st
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I am not Lemony Snicket and I did not create the Series of Unfortunate Events books. But the Allemaire children are my own creations, even though they are basically the same as the Baudelaires. Also note that the Mr. Poe that appears is the brother of the Mr. Poe from the Baudelaire story.

**A/N: **Dear reader, you have clearly clicked on the wrong link, as you surely do not wish to read this woeful tale. This story is one of many recording the lives of the Allemaire children, young children whose lives are full of woe and unfortunate events. In this dreadful tale alone we witness a terrible fire, murder, an evil count, A dramatic car chase and strangely shaped oranges; so it would be a most wise decision to turn your computer off right now, and run as far as away from it as possible. I myself have dedicated my life to researching the lives of the Allemaire children, and suggest you do not join me.

With all due respect,

NOT Lemony Snicket

**Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Sorrowful Start**

To Beatrice-

When I first met you I knew we'd be together, til death do us part.

Soon afterward death parted us

Chapter One

If you wish to read a book about rainbow smiles and happy faces, then this is the wrong book for you. This book contains nothing but misery and sorrow; hence the name _The Sorrowful Start. _But I have of course explained this already and it is unlikely I will be able to stop you from reading this now, so let me take a page from a Mr. Bruce's book, and skip straight to the interesting part. In a large house on a highly aristocratic street- a phrase which here means "A street full of spoiled snobs with such an enormous amount of money they could buy a small island off the cost of Africa"- a tragedy occurred. To be precise- a word which here means "To say the exact place where a terrible fire engulfed an entire house and killed two people"- this tragedy occurred in the home of the Allemaire family, and this tragedy just happened to be a fire. At the time there were five members of the Allemaire family. Mr and Mrs. Allemaire, and their three children: Eliza, a vivid young inventor aged fourteen who often enjoyed spending long days with her father, helping him fix his broken appliances and drinking lemonade and smiling as she did so. Then there was the second oldest Allemaire called Richard. Richard was twelve years old and loved to read, he read anything he could get his hands on and remember practically everything he remembered, he loved to sit on his mother's lap and listen as she read him stories about pirates sailing the seven seas and warriors doing battle with fierce monsters. And even when he grew too large to sit on his mother's lap he still enjoyed reading with his mother in their special reading corner. He hated being called Rick or Dick or any kind of nickname, his name was Richard and only Richard. And then there was the youngest Allemaire, Bella. She may not have been smart or good at inventing or well read but there was one thing Bella could do; she could bite. Bella was just about one year old and had five very sharp teeth; she enjoyed biting too and enjoyed tenderising the meat her mother was going to cook by biting them as hard as she could. She would bite anything hard, tables, books (Which made Richard rather angry, but he was never angry with Bella for long) anything. All the family loved to get together and have fun whether they were watching a movie or having dinner, they were always happy. But now the good times were gone forever, burning away along with the Allemaire children's home and their parents. The Allemaire children were walking down the road, they had been to the park for a few hours and had no idea that their house was currently burning down with their parents in it.

"Did you have a nice time at the park Bella?" Eliza asked her younger sister.

"Galoo!" Bella replied, like many babies Bella was having difficulty communicating in the English language but instead of saying normal baby words like "Mama" "Dada" and "Bottle", Bella preferred to speak in clusters of unintelligible words- a phrase which here means "Said things that meant no sense whatsoever to anyone but her siblings"- so both Eliza and Richard knew that Bella meant something like "I had a most enjoyable time at the park"

And all three Allemaire children nodded in agreement. "Indeed" Richard agreed "I enjoyed sitting under the tree and reading my book in the shade"

"Yes" Eliza also agreed also "And I liked watching the Frisbees flying through the air before the dogs caught them in their mouths, the spinning remind me of cogs and their rotary mechanism"

"Spif!" Bella cried in agreement and she meant something like "And I liked to catch the Frisbees in _my _mouth! They were hard and fun to bite" Then, as they rounded the next corner, the children saw smoke rising up from their house, their home was on fire. The children gasped, fire fighters were fighting the fire, but to no avail- a word which here means "The Allemaire children's parents, their home and all their worldly possessions were gone and the fire fighters couldn't do anything about it" Finally they put the fire out, but everything was already burnt to a crisp, the children ran up to one of the fire fighters and asked what was going on.

The fire fighter placed his left hand on Eliza's shoulder and his right hand on Richard's shoulder and said. "I'm sorry kids but, your parents are dead"

**A/N: **See, terrible wasn't it? I bet now you want to rip your heart out and cry until your eye sockets bleed. If for some reason you wish to read more of this heart wrenching tale, return tomorrow for the next chapter is this horrible story.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the Series of Unfortunate Event and didn't create it

**A/N: **So you've decided to return for more misery have you? Suit yourself. By the way, my many thanks to Icefoot for your kind review. I hope that's your name because your foot is actually cold, not because your metaphorical- a word which here means "Not actually cold but just used as effect"- cold feet have convinced you to leave your fiancée at the altar before your wedding, a decision that will come back to haunt you when your fiancée tracks you down, and enacts his/her revenge with a very large harpoon gun….

With all due respect

NOT Lemony Snicket

Chapter Two

Though your lives are not as dreadfully unfortunate as the lives of the Allemaires, I'm sure that once in a while you will suffer a disastrous event- a phrase which here means "Something really bad will happen to you"- and whether this event is that your car breaks down in the middle of a desert, you have been falsely accused for a crime you did not commit or the love of your life is brutally murdered one night at a masquerade ball where you were unfortunately recognised even though you were disguised, it is most likely that someone will come along and say to you "Cheer up, every cloud has a silver lining" Now I believe that this is a positively ridiculous saying. The saying means that if something bad happens to you, you should cheer up because every bad event (The cloud) has a good event after it waiting for you (The silver lining). But after all the tragically terrible things that have happened to me and my acquaintances in our lives, absolutely nothing good has happened to us afterward. This is most likely because most of my acquaintances are dead, and so can't be the victim of anymore good or bad events, of any clouds or silver linings. But I am not dead, and as I continue to write to you here, huddled in a small, damp cave trying not to get the paper I am writing this on wet, I can tell you that ever since the first bad thing that happened to me in my life happened nothing good has happened since. Clouds have no silver linings. And so, as the Allemaire children looked up into the sky, gazing upon all the dark clouds in it; they couldn't help but wonder where their silver lining was, and when I t was going to appear.

The Allemaire orphans sat on the cold pavement, thinking about what had just happened. Eliza thought about how all the mechanical marvels in the house had burned down. The oven, the iron, the T.V, not to mention all of Eliza's inventions, were all gone. Richard thought about how all his favourite books had all been burnt to a crisp, even the reading corner he used to sit in with his mother was gone. Bella thought about all the hard things she loved to bite like the table, the worktop, the strange little disc Eliza had invented especially for Bella to bite, and how they had all just burnt away. And all the Allemaire orphans thought about their mother and father, and how they had perished in this dreadful fire that had also destroyed their home and all their favourite things. They would never see their parents again. They were all so sad they wanted to cry but for some reason they couldn't.

Eliza turned to her siblings and smiled weakly "Hey come on now" she said "Cheer up, remember, every cloud has a silver lining"

Richard looked at her and smiled, then his smile turned to a frown "I remember reading that somewhere" he said glumly "The author said it's just a senseless saying to cheer people up when there's no hope left"

Eliza turned around again. Richard was right, she only said that to cheer them up, she knew there was no real meaning in that saying.

Bella was just about to say something encouraging to her saddened siblings when suddenly a small black car drove up to their house. A tall, portly man stepped out and adjusted his glasses, and then he stared at the children. "Eliza, is that you?" He asked, staring closely at the eldest Allemaire.

"Um… Yes" Eliza replied "Do I know you?"

"Well I wouldn't expect you to remember me" The man said, removing a small white handkerchief from his coat pocket "I knew you when you were just a baby. I work at a bank called Mulctuary Money Management; there are branches all over the world, my branch is not too far from here. My name is Mr. P-a… A… A-CHOO!" And the man sneezed very loudly into the white handkerchief he was holding.

The children stared blankly at the man. They thought that it was a little strange to be called Mr. P- A A A-Choo and wondered how exactly his family got such a name, he didn't look foreign.

"Sorry about that" Mr. P- A A A-Choo said, wiping his nose "I have quite a bad cold, had for about 20 years… But that's not important, as I was saying my name is- a… A…. A-Choo!" He sneezed once again "Sorry, my name is Mr. Poe" (Now if you are a fan of the Baudelaire books- and for your sake I sincerely hope you aren't- you may remember a certain Mr. Poe who is in charge of the Baudelaire's money affairs and their vast fortune. This Mr. Poe however, is the brother to that Mr. Poe as I explained earlier and he will explain now. So I will now stop explaining about Mr. Poe and let Mr. Poe explain) "I also have a brother who works at another branch of the bank, he is in charge of some orphans like yourselves but they have been accused of murder and arson. Perhaps you've heard of him or them?" Mr. Poe explained and then asked.

The children shook their heads. Then Eliza questioned "What exactly are you doing here Mr. Poe?"

"Well children…" Mr. Poe sneezed again, then continued "I am in charge of your vast fortune, which your parents deposited into the bank where I work and left to you in their will" The children stood, staring at Mr. Poe blankly for a moment, surprised that their parents had left a fortune to them; they were also surprised that their parents had a will. Mr. Poe interrupted their thoughts by sneezing and then saying "Erm, deposit means they put money in the bank"

"We know what it means!" Richard snapped, he didn't like it when people thought he was dumb just because he was a child.

"Yes, anyway" Mr. Poe continued "You cannot withdraw, that means take out…"

"We know what it means!" Richard interrupted.

"Yes well you cannot take it out until one of you- namely Eliza as she is the eldest- turns eighteen years old. Until then you cannot access it. I have also arranged for you to live in a foster home with a friend of your parents, his name is Count something or other I can't remember"

"A count" Richard said hopefully "That sounds good! Maybe he'll have loads of books for me to read!"

"Yes!" Eliza agreed "And maybe he'll have lots of appliances for me to study so I can invent new things!"

"Chompy!" Bella cried which probably meant "And maybe he'll have lots of hard things for me to bite!"

All three Allemaires smiled and as they bundled into Mr. Poe's small car Eliza said "Richard, Bella, I think that this cloud might have a silver lining after all"

And so as the car drove away into the distance, the children smiled happily, blissfully unaware of the tragic events that awaited them- a phrase which here means "They had absolutely no idea they were about to live with a madman who planned to kill them and steal all of their money"-.

**A/N:** And so ends another chapter in this retched tale, check back tomorrow, for more sorrow. (That rhyme was unintentional, I did not know I was being poetic- a phrase which here means "I'm a poet and I didn't even know it-.)


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